My throat has been hurting for a few days. It felt like a mini-fire this morning. I may have strep so I’m running by the doctor before I go to speak to some students on a retreat this weekend.
This summer and fall have been quite an experience for me. I have had ongoing fatigue and some reoccurring sicknesses for about 4 months now that I just can’t kick. The doctors have done a battery of tests and we’ll keep on trying to what the true source is.
As I was driving today, I was reflecting on what I am currently doing in a fatigued state. I then wondered what I could do if my energy and health returned. It is important to note that it is easy to fall into the subtle trap of “doing” more stuff and thinking that makes us more spiritual or more acceptable before God. So when I talk about “doing”, I am always trying to remind myself and others that our “doing” must flow from our “being”. So, back to my main idea.
What would flow from my life if I did have more energy? I didn’t really know how to answer this question. I was pondering what would happen if I really saw my neighbors on my block as family and starting treating them as such. We already reach out, but I still believe it would look a lot different if I really started believing this. I wondered if I would record another C.D. and play out again. This wouldn’t be for the sake of seeking to “make it” but simply to build relationships to share my life and the gospel with others.
It seems that, even though I am fatigued, that I am doing more than ever before. I have more relationships than ever, people probing into my life, new initiatives to equip the body, and the list goes on, but even so, I sense that my heart wants to hold back some things for myself. I am tentative to give away my time to others and continually put myself on the line and surrender all to God today. I’m on this journey and I know that God is at work. I long to continue to put myself in the place where God is bringing to light the things that I cannot see. I long to be used by God to do what He desires for me to do. This is not to earn His approval or to live a life that will be remembered. I long (and want to long) to live on mission because God has captured my heart and made me new. I want to do this because my Abba knows best and I do want to hear, “Well done My good and faithful servant.”
The reality may be that I will be more useful as a weary and scik man than as one who can play basketball all day or go about everyday with massive amounts of energy. I know Paul found this to be true for him (2 Corinthians 12). So whether this is a lifelong thorn or I get my energy back tomorrow, I will seek to trust in the One who gave Himself for me.
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